in the recent weeks i saw many people rising up in their own spiritual life, and promotions came for them and was really happy for them. People like Vann, Elson and Lionel under B.Darren's discipleship, Bernard getting promoted to TL, Jeremy creating a miracle for himself coming for the youth outreach, diao zheng growing in maturity, Charles bringing so many friends and gotten integrated into the CG etc etc etc..
Can say God's really amazing..

Prob the same question that I have for myself now as I used to ask: "What's my calling and what exactly am I doing right now?"
Things had been the same for me since the beginning of NS.. helping out in ministry and in cg.. being involved in things or events here and there.. but what are the things that's really keeping me to what I'm doing right now? I mean I'm not a zombie / robot that's doing things so aimlessly and without a purpose.. It's so fustrating to do things that way really..
MSN nick right now is 'So Lost..' Kind of explain how things are for me right now..
True in a way that I'm looking forward to promotions and do know that promotion comes from God and no one else.. But I can''t seem to see work that in my life to seek promotion because of God and not because of myself. Been struggling since and I'm still struggling now..

In a crossroad right now where I do not know where to go.. I thought I knew what I wanted but suddenly i have this fear of going for them and i'm not sure if that's what I really want. So funny somehow.. I'm just waiting for each day to pass and each day gets more and more meaningless..

Being effective is no longer what I can do now.. I can no longer judge if what I'm doing is worthwhile.. Simply something simple like whether I should help someone out as a question to myself, I can't even answer! I can't imagine if i'm assigned to do bigger things will i be able to do it or sustain the results?

True enough I'm dependable to most people and if they come to me for solutions I can give them to my best capability. But I realised those are all based on my past credits and achievements, and I'm not creating new ones! How can I expect myself to lead when I'm not achieving something myself now or to show that I can lead?

Used to do this test to determine what's my love language and lo and behold... It's words of affirmation... How practical was I then? Haa.. Then I would remember the days in the past when I would try to get attention from my friends and that's when my ego would take over me to boast about my past achievements so that I can get affirmed by someone.. How childish... *feel like slapping myself somehow*

So many questions flooding through my mind right now.. Whether I can make things happen for myself? Be it finances, family, cg, ministry, personal and spiritual life. even my emotions... Very negative I know but... Well...

I can't understand why I'm still hanging onto what I have now which I should have gave up on because of the so many things I rattled earlier.. So funny, on the opposite table I'm hearing the people talking about vision.. Is it true that I'd lost my vision already?

Fustrations after fustrations.. Agony after agony... I do not want to live a life of me forgetting what I went through the night before after a night's sleep and a day takes place without me learning anything from yesterday.. It just meant I wasted 24hrs of my life yesterday! It's so tiring also.. Seeking for things that I thought wouldn't happen on my anymore because I felt myself being stagnant for too long..

I hope things won't come to a point whereby I don't find EVERYTHING meaningless and I just leave church.. Just like what in Getting Started we talk about being spiritually and emotionally dead = walking zombie..

Man can be very funny.. Mixing positivity and negativity altogether.. Anyone cares to help this poor soul here? *HELP* I seriously need someone to guide and disciple me.. Can say I was quite envious like Nat, she got like Eugene, Richie or Roger to guide her, the 12 having Bro Alex and Xue with Vic around? Or is it I'm not seeking hard enough to wanting to be discipled, to be guided?
One thing that I learnt in the navy is that we can factor many reasons in for the so many things that happened but usually, the problem is none other than ourselves being in that situation, DOING NOTHING...

I just don't like this feeling......

Yonghui once told me I already have the skills to become a TL.. The factor that's lacking is me.. Transferring to Hwee Tze's team make me realise that leader is not about works, it's about people even in ministry. And Pst Tan's last sermon affirmed that too.. But I can't seem to make it happen..

Why's my life turning this way???